Trader’s Horoscope: Bearish Pisces and Bullish Leo

Disclaimer: All descriptions are fictitious and humorous; it is the reader's sole responsibility to decide whether to use the horoscope when making trading decisions.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Look for Aries if you want to see the most consistent trader when it comes to making mistakes. Stepping on the same rake is their favorite indicator. With a stubbornness fit for a better purpose, they will stick to their initial trading strategy and remain loyal to a number of the tokens with which they began their trading journey. Exchange platforms are another thing they don’t like to change.

Arguing with Aries is futile, convincing them of anything is useless, and attempting to turn their attention to other financial instruments is pointless. They think of themselves as being on par with Satoshi Nakamoto and Justin Sun.

They are also awful idealists who think decentralization is a good thing and centralization is a bad one. In light of this, they favor DEX platforms. In general, they are fighters for a life without rules except those that they create. 

The Aries traders have one undeniable advantage: they are resistant to FUD. Aries never panic; instead, they simply bang their heads against the wall, even if the exit is next to them.

Aries crypto legend: Ross Ulbricht.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

The Taurus trader is even more stubborn than Aries. But there is one significant difference between them: Taurus is a big miser. They keep the dead weight that is no longer needed on the balance sheets because they believe it will be useful in the future. At least to invest them in yet another wasteful project.

Taurus is generally a cheerful pessimist who is wary and cautious, distrustful of everyone and everything, closed to novel concepts, and suspicious of everything. Taurus' catchphrase is “The deposit leads to dumping money.” Hence, when their PnL statement shows a small gain, they are shocked and think they won the lottery.

They don't like to reinvest, and big sums of money rarely stay in their accounts for a long time. However, it’s not because they donate profits to charity but rather because they are obstinate and keep making the same mistakes.

Taurus does not, however, trade based on signals and doesn’t trust the hype news.

Taurus crypto legend: Chris Larsen

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Whether Gemini traders are actually trading is a matter of serious doubt. After all, discussing the process is more crucial to them than paying attention to the indicators. You can be sure that someone is a Gemini if you come across an active forum talker who patiently offers advice on any subject and shares the details of how he successfully closed out yesterday's trade a split-second before the reversal. By the way, if this person is the only Gemini in the chat, you'll be fine. Nobody will have a chance at life if there are two of them.

Geminis constantly monitor a lot of information as they look for new investment opportunities. They are aware of all current and upcoming token sales and various airdrops. They are experts in all subjects and winners of every argument. And it’s not because they are right; but because you'll just make yourself sick arguing with them.

Every Gemini is an optimist who believes that everything will work out in the end, including the fact that Bitcoin will eventually cost $1 million, DeFi will be successful, and they will soon be able to afford a Lamborghini.

Gemini crypto legend: Tim Draper

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The most suspicious trader is, of course, Cancer. They see fraud and market-maker schemes everywhere. They often lack self-confidence, are FOMO-prone, and are envious of other people's profits. They are Aries-like in their stubbornness and Scorpio-like in their sensitivity to criticism.

The Cancer traders try to brag about their accomplishments to everyone because of their own underestimation. However, Cancer traders do not think that anyone believes them; they see themselves as just a hamster pretending to be a whale. A Cancer trader with such a duality of perception is a true melancholic who presents happiness as a cover for their sadness. Messed up in contradictions? Imagine how Cancer traders feel about themselves!

The Cancer trader is not consistent. They may spend weeks hiding out in a dim corner and then rush to the exchange to open numerous trades at once. But if they lose, they will go back to their shelter, blaming themselves, the coin's creators, and the entire cryptocurrency market.

Like no other zodiac sign, Cancers are the best at shorting because they have a unique ability to wait for the perfect opportunity.  

Cancer crypto legend: Joseph Lubin

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Who consistently makes purchases during market peaks? Leo! This trader is not some sort of hamster to add cheap assets to a portfolio! And if Leo bought coins and later realized they had missed out on a good entry price, they would never admit a mistake. On the contrary, Leo will foam at the mouth to demonstrate that a bullish trend is on the way, and everyone will be watching green candlestick charts. In light of this, we are certain that the market is being driven up by the Leos and their foolish investments made at the peak.

Leo is a flattery-hungry sign, making it simple to provoke the most absurd behavior in them. For instance, if you hint that the ABC token is now being purchased by institutional investors and that participation will be limited, and only Leo has a personal invitation, he can participate in the Pump. However, his bestial instincts will help him to close trades on time and at a profit.

To be honest, Leos are better at teaching others how to trade on YouTube channels than they are at actual trading. These are powerful media professionals who can make even the most hopeless project successful. They find it boring to use charts and indicators daily. Leos are desperately needed in the crypto market in 2023. Do you agree?

Leo crypto legend: Justin Sun

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Virgo is the most scrupulous, consistent, and calm trader in the market. They are meticulous and like everything to be tidily arranged. It seems even Elliott’s waves try to pretend they are ripples in their presence, and the Cross of Death straightens its moving averages into parallel straight lines. 

Virgo won't be seduced by shitcoins and won't put money into unproven assets. Virgo's portfolio is well-balanced in terms of diversification and duration. Each coin is triple-scam-checked, and the rarity of each NFT is estimated.

People say that every little Virgin dream of becoming the Lord of the Universe, and as they grow older, they never lose hope that their dreams will come true. When Virgos enter the market, they first scan for competitors before brazenly “killing” them.

They will eventually feel Virgo's compassion, of course. When Virgo is satisfied, she is generous. These traders live by the adage, “Don't teach me how to live; better help me financially!”

Virgo crypto legend: Changpeng Zhao

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Libra blows hot and cold. If you had to sum up this trader's behavior in the market in two words, a “non-stop storm” would come to mind.

Libra quickly switches between strategies, changing coins and platforms. Today, Libra tells everyone that trading on signals is easy money, and the next day they are convinced that all signal providers are scammers and that nothing can be better than liquid staking.

The Libra trader frequently forgets to check their account balance before opening a trade, and even sometimes forgets to set stop-losses. However, they can check their phone three times a night to confirm that the price is moving in the desired direction.

Libras are constantly experiencing cognitive dissonance. Only Nakamoto knows how they manage to earn money in such a state of mind. However, their deposit never drops to zero; something is always left. The lucky Libra again collects an impressive sum from those “remainings.”

Libra crypto legend: Craig Wright

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

The Scorpio trader stays away from trading robots, never buys high, doesn’t forget to set stop losses, and never puts all of their eggs in one basket. This is a creative person who is always full of new ideas. Scorpio traders create their own strategies, choose complex combinations of indicators, and are likely working on an updated technical analysis textbook behind closed doors.

They love money very much and hate people borrowing money. Scorpio can compete with Aries in their ability to bang heads against the wall. Scorpio, however, bangs gently after previously putting a pillow on the wall.

Scorpio is a supporter of structure and consistency. Since they don't trust anyone, Scorpio feels uncomfortable about the DEX platforms. This zodiac sign finds it simpler to trade on CEX exchanges. Scorpio goes into a coma during periods of high volatility because they cannot be certain of the price's direction.

It is not always clear how Scorpio joined the crypto market. They should instead buy shares on the stock exchange.

Scorpio crypto legend: Charles Hoskinson

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Sagittarius is life's perpetual winner. We have no other explanation for how they manage to profit from trading with such a careless attitude. Most likely, Sagittarius receives assistance from their numerous friends.

Sagittarius uses at least 1:100 leverage when trading, frequently experiences margin calls, doesn’t use indicators, gladly buys garbage on Pancake, and trades stolen NFTs on OpenSea. Sagittarius has an open mind when it comes to selecting financial instruments. 

Their credo is, “I'm right even if I'm wrong!” Sagittarius speaks their mind, even when asked to keep their opinions to themselves. Additionally, despite frequent threats to discuss etiquette in person, no serious scandals ever arise. Sagittarius has no enemies, except for their own sloppiness.

But luck never runs out for this zodiac sign. As unbelievable as it may be, it's true. 

We can state with certainty that Sagittarius was among the fortunate individuals who were able to withdraw funds from FTX before it crashed. Money easily comes and goes for Sagittarius. However, this does not upset them too much. The optimistic Sagittarius believes they can always make money because there are so many different altcoins to try.

Sagittarius crypto legend: Charlie Shrem

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Capricorn is an extremely productive sign. A Capricorn trader might take days to close the trade window. The best feeling is when the PnL statement shows at least a two-digit profit. Capricorn is ready to doze off with the smartphone in their hands, watching their account balance grow.

Nevertheless, this trader always acts with good judgment and will not stake a single token without first calculating the potential return.

If you take away their phone and laptop, they'll find partners who will let them use their desktop right away. Even on Mars, people born under this sign will find business partners. You bet, there's no better mentor for copy trading. Capricorn is an expert in trading. And if this trader hadn't been so mean, Capricorn would have not only partners but also friends.

Taurus is the only zodiac sign with which Capricorn will be unable to establish a business relationship. They start arguing when it comes to splitting the $7.13 profit.

“Improving the world is important, but first I need to improve my life!” says the Capricorn trader.

Capricorn crypto legend: Jed McCaleb

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

The Aquarius trader is the biggest realist among all the other signs of the zodiac. They know exactly what they want, how many obstacles are in their path to dreams, and where to build a safety net. Since Aquarius is a sign that tends to live in the future, they try to choose rare coins for trading, like NMR. And they manage to profit from them because this trader has a roadmap for making a profit from any difficult situation. 

They break down the suggested trading strategy into its smallest parts and closely examine each indicator.

We have a strong hunch that Aquarius in trading is more concerned with the process than the outcome. Their desire to trade vanishes as soon as the algorithm of actions in any market is clear and becomes routine.

Then Aquarius can create a perpetual motion machine or breed enormous flying squirrels with the same zeal.

However, the most promising coins will remain hidden in a cold wallet… for the foreseeable future.

Aquarius crypto legend: Vitalik Buterin

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If crypto exchanges ever decide to start paying users just not to trade on their platforms, they will pay Pisces.

The hallmarks of Pisces include childishness, an unwillingness to accept responsibility for their actions, and a paralyzing fear of rivalry. A trader has a hard time with such a set of qualities. However, they put in a lot of effort.

Pisces, who is always looking for a fail-safe haven, constantly makes bad predictions. It's because they're bad forecasters. They frantically run back and forth, hoping to catch the discounted liquidity flowing in, but each time they fail. Even if they succeed in catching some, they can blow it all because they try to get everything at once.

Pisces are excellent artists, writers, and teachers, but poor businessmen. “I trade as proficiently as I sing,” says Pisces.

Pisces crypto legend: Sam Bankman-Fried